Ramblings of that Small Child
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Friday, October 6, 2006
"Watch out for your little heart, Jane Mary."
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
I had been planning on writing a whiny self pitying entry about shit that doesn't matter until I just spent the last 15 minutes looking at one of the Darfur groups on Facebook. I've been realizing a lot lately how sheltered and unaware I and too many others are. I think I wrote an entry before about not going anywhere with my nursing, but I can't imagine being okay with not doing anything to help anybody that is suffering to such unimaginable degrees. If I am learning skills that can help people who need it so much, it would be so wrong of me not to use them that way.
I need to push myself more and stop being so goddamn lazy.
Sunday, October 1, 2006
11:55PM
My family is pretty much the best. Especially two boys named Jake and Aidan. I miss them. Oh, Molly reads this. I guess I should say I love her too. Oh but I do. I really did not get enough time with her today. I love you Mimbo!!!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
9:25AM
Sometimes I'm too impatient.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
So Thursday, I had a rehearsal that got cancelled. On my way back to my room, I decided to stay outside where I had service to clean out my voicemails. Rotch beeped in. She asked me where I was. I heard this coming into my other ear, not just the phone. I whipped around and Lindsay, Jessi, and Rotch were fucking coming up the driveway of my school!!!!! They drove all the way from Keene to surprise me and kidnap me. I ran soooo fast into their arms and I was crying and it was so amazing. So I packed as fast as I could and called out of work for the next day and I spent the weekend in Keene. It was quite the party for awhile, but I was forced to quiet down. Overall, a very good weekend, and I can't wait to go back. I really love those girls and I hate leaving them everytime.
This weekend made me realize that I've become a rather selfish person. Little things that I would have thought to do immediately don't come to me until it's too late. I just take and I don't know that I'm giving enough back. I think I've started to take my luck for granted. Of course, I'm not even sure it's luck. I'm not sure why I have so many good things and good people in my life. But I do and I'm not sure that I'm appreciating them as I should. I'm not as aware of other people and their wants and needs. I'm not as sacrificing as I used to be for those I love. I'm always taking care of myself and doing what I want. I think it's this whole mindset that I adopted after Matt and I broke up. I figured being single allowed me to do whatever I wanted and not really consider the consequences. I mean, I'm not a total selfish mess. I don't totally ignore those around me. I just don't take care of them as well as I used to and it bothers me. My mind's become pretty scattered. I'm going to work on it. I am not happy with how I have regressed and I plan on changing myself back.
Current music: Holiday from Real - Jack's Mannequin
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
8:56PM
How do people act dead on tv and in movies? I was watching the end of house, and the dead guy was soo still. It's crazy. I've thought about this before.
Want to know what else is crazy? Frans, the eccentric theatre teacher from Amsterdam, called me today and asked me to be his stage manager for the play he's putting on this semester. You don't even know how excited I am about this. I was just so not expecting it because I'm not even a theatre major and so I just assumed a theatre student would get the job. It just really shows how small this school is. And what's more is that Amanda is stage managing the other show they're putting on. I've never had so much responsibility for a show before so I'm kind of nervous, but really, pretty much only excited. We Pinkerton girls are taking over the theatre here.
In other news, I've "found" something new and very exciting. I'm happy.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
So, my sickness is not as bad as I thought it would be. And I have medicine now. I'm a much more comfortable person than I was last night.
I have hopes. I can spend long amounts of time imagining situations I want to happen or how I think they should happen. Sometimes it's impossible but I always seem to keep a bit of real in my fantasy, so I can believe it a little more easily.
P.S. I'm already sick of communal living. It's why I'm sick. I think we should get an apartment next year. I want a private bathroom. And less noisy neighbors. And less rules. And I won't be forced to socialize with people I don't know or really plan on knowing.
And as these entries usually end, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
11:15PM
I'm getting sick. And I'm tired all day. I feel like I'm choking. And I was having such a good week. I'm disappointed in my immune system.
I could write more things, but I am having such a horrible thinking day, I have to go to bed and put my brain to sleep.
I haven't felt the need to post as much lately because my mind is a lot clearer than it has been.
I'm happy and I've been going back to my old giddy self and that's really good.
I'm getting a job in the theatre! That is soo good.
I miss the Redfern and Jeremy and Sasha and Jess and Amy.
This weekend is going to be good. Amy's leaving me again, so that's sad. But I actually have plans with people that make me happy.
It's off to bed for this sleepy girl now.
Monday, September 11, 2006
5:07PM
It is such a beautiful day out. I don't think I ever appreciate Fall enough.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
So at like one o'clock this morning, Matt convinced me to go visit him in Boston today because we hadn't seen each other in a very long time. We had a great day. We saw his professor drop fruit off of a very high fire escape; it was pretty cool. We went to the Musuem of Fine Arts. I love that it's free now. It was a wonderful trip. I love that boy very much and I'm glad that we are able to be such close friends now. Not a lot of people can accomplish that with their exes.
Then tonight, I went to Mass. I haven't gone to Church in a long time except for like a funeral or baptism or first communion. I wanted to see if I'd like it more now that I'm a little mature. And my Knatalie was singing. So of course I wanted to see her. Well, I like the atmosphere, I like how serene it is, but southern Baptists look like they have a lot more fun in their services and I think I'd prefer that. And there's a cscript. Catholics seriously print out the script for the mass. I wrote a whole paper last year about how the Christian religion used a lot of theatrical devices when it was first developping. But anyways, I felt like a hypocrite the whole time I was there cause I really don't believe a lot of it. But I do like a lot of the messages. I just don't believe that there is a God who has created this whole entire universe and actually cares about insignificant beings like humans on Earth. So yeah, I don't think I'm going back. I just figured I'm at a Catholic school, I might as well try it.
So, my own confusion has definitely caused a lot of confusion elsewhere and I'm really sorry. But I am now trying to make my own intentions clear.
Saturday, September 9, 2006
So, one has so many things going against him, and yet I go to him.
The other has so many things that I love about him, and yet I'm hesitant.
I think I know what I want, but I need you to tell me.
Thursday, September 7, 2006
2:03PM
Soooooooooooooooooo bored.
It's the weekend for me already. It has been since quarter past eleven this morning. Amy and Natalie are busy all day. Amy's leaving me to go to Jeff's.
I'm sure I have homework to be doing, but that's what Sunday night is for.
I want Terry and the baby to visit me, but I don't think they can. I miss him.
Love how I never call him by his name? He's gonna grow up thinking his name is Baby. Haha, maybe he can learn to dance from Patrick Swayze.
Our DVD player doesn't work in the tv I brought. I need the remote that I left at home. I guess I'm gonna watch a movie on my computer.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! Terry is coming this weekend!!!! Oh, that make me happy. I miss her.
I wish I owned Narnia, I could toally go for some Peter Pevensie right now.
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
11:11PM
I'm close to a minority here. I'm white and I'm straight.
I got so spacy during my three hour night class thinking about things that I've been pushing away because I think that I'm in a different world here and I don't have to think about them anymore. And yet, they come back into my head and distract me and I can never come up with a resolution for my feelings and thoughts on certain topics. And that makes me think that I shouldn't make any decisions about those certain things because my feelings and thoughts change all the time depending on my mood and situation. And then some people bring themselves back to my thoughts and stir up things that I really thought I was okay with putting to rest.
I sleep a lot at night but I'm always exhausted during the days.
I'm going to bed, I get too emotional when I'm tired.
1:05PM
My background is my baby!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
10:44PM
Oh. P.S. I'm gonna see a lot of gross things as a nurse.
Whenever I see a long stretch of ground, I just want to do cartwheels. But I've injured myself that way before.
I have lots of caffeine in my body right now and I don't have class until 2 tomorrow. But I've got things to do.
I'm in a crazy mood. I was just jumping all over my bed and being wicked weird and poor Amy is on the phone and I just keep wanting to talk to her. I'm a bad distracter. I mean, I'm a good distracter, but I'm bad because I keep distracting her.
I can't wait for weekend nights.
I'm happy and comfortable here. So that's good. My classes are boring so far.
I drink a lot of water and coke and I have have to pee a lot.
I turned my computer and my desk so that I can sit on my bed and play on the computer and I can see the screen from snuggling in my bed.
Omg, my bed is soooo compfy. Like, amazingly so.
Now I'm really just rambling. I love you bye.
Sunday, September 3, 2006
8:02PM
So I'm at school and my room is mostly set up. I love it. My bed is soooo comfy. Omg! Jamie!! Do you remember when you and Courtney Adams tried to teach me how to say the word comfortable in first grade?!? Yeah. So anyways, so far, so good. Now I just gotta start classes and make new friends. And find a job.
So, I'm not used to using my actions to communicate instead of my words. But that's what I'm trying to do because speaking is apparently not an option. Eh, my awkwardness probably does not help. It's a mutual awkwardness and I kind of like it. Like I've said before, it's new and so I like it. Except that I keep getting disappointed because I'm probably expecting too much. And the lack of communication leads to complications. At least for me.
So, some of my stuff was in a box in my cellar and now it all smells like my cellar and it's not good.
Saturday, September 2, 2006
9:59PM
I go to school tomorrow. It's bittersweet. I will miss my siblings/baby terribly. Terry and I got pretty close this summer. I'm obsessed with my nephew. Jake is not as obnoxious as he was when I first came home. Molly was hardly home so her abusive humor couldn't get old.
But now I'll have freedom and fun and live with my Natalie and my Amanda and get to meet lots of new people and visit Keene. Oh yeah, and get an education. Kind of important. Oh, and a job, I'm so poor and in debt. And go out at night and get shitty.
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